Setting boundaries in chaste dating is important because you’re choosing what’s good for you. It helps settle for someone who will honour you and love you the right way. Someone you can trust to choose your good by guarding and defending your purity.
Boundaries help you guard your heart, allow you to speak the truth, and avoid situations that lead to sin. In essence, it enables you to date people you’re equally yoked with because bad company ruins good morals.
Spiritual boundaries
The goal of setting spiritual boundaries is to ensure you grow spiritually together while remaining grounded individually in Christ. These boundaries are essential because while seeking God together is good, it can quickly spiral into dependency or completely neglecting your personal relationship with God.
Choose wholesome spiritual activities
You can attend Mass, volunteer in ministry, read Scripture, or join faith-based groups together. Avoid making “Bible study at each other’s house alone” your main spiritual activity. Choose public or community settings instead.
Suppose you’re meeting for prayers. Be mindful of how often, where, and in what posture you pray together. For instance, avoid overly emotional or physical expressions that blur emotional and spiritual intimacy.
Avoid spiritual manipulation
Sometimes couples hide behind “godly” activities to mask emotional or physical temptation, e.g., long private prayer sessions, late-night worship, or “comforting” each other after emotional conversations. Know yourself well enough to discern when your carnality creeps in and cut whatever is fueling it.
Sometimes, what feels “spiritual” might be emotional manipulation. Before saying things like “God told me you’re the one,” pause and test the spirit (1 John 4:1). Invite God into your discernment process through prayer, Scripture, and wise counsel, not feelings alone.
Guard your heart against idolatry
A godly relationship isn’t about looking perfect on social media or acting “holy” around others. Prioritize pleasing God in private, even when no one’s watching. Capitalize on your own spiritual growth before pressuring your partner to pray, fast, or serve in the same way you do. Your spiritual life shouldn’t depend on your partner’s consistency.
Emotional boundaries
The goal of emotional boundaries is to protect your heart so that love matures in truth, not infatuation. This is sometimes the trickiest boundary, as most things that trigger impurity are quite subtle.
Stay grounded in reality
It’s easy to start thinking, planning, and feeling like you “belong” to each other before any real commitment is made. Keep in mind: dating is discernment, not a guarantee.
Avoid language or behaviours that create premature emotional bonds, like calling each other “my everything,” or “my love,” or sending love emojis, or planning future kids too soon. Don’t build stories in your head.
When you let your imagination run wild, you start living in fantasy, not reality. It becomes easy to see the relationship through what you hope it is rather than what it truly is. Stay grounded and present.
Limit emotional dependency
Vulnerability builds connection. However, you must strike a balance because over-sharing deep wounds or past traumas too early can create emotional dependency. Gradually share personal stories as trust and commitment grow.
Always remember this: It’s beautiful to have someone who listens, but they can’t replace God or your support system. Bring your biggest fears, hurts, or anxieties to prayer first, and also confide in a mentor or trusted friend, not only your partner.
Keep your personal life balanced
Maintain your hobbies, friendships, and ministry involvement. If you start skipping church, ignoring your goals, or losing touch with loved ones, that’s a sign of emotional imbalance.
Constant texting or late-night calls can make you emotionally dependent without real-life depth. Set reasonable limits like having certain hours for prayer, rest, work, or study when you’re not in constant contact. Learn to enjoy silence and personal space.
Be honest about emotional red flags
If you feel anxious when they don’t text back, jealous of their friends, or fearful of losing them — pause and reflect. These feelings often point to deeper issues like insecurity or fear of abandonment that need God’s healing before marriage. Talk about it and allow God to heal your brokenness.
Lack of emotional boundaries is dangerous, as it’s the starting point to spiral into breaking physical boundaries. It gives you a false impression about the level of commitment in the relationship.
It also leads to giving your heart away carelessly, allowing emotional intimacy to go beyond where the relationship is spiritually or morally ready to handle.
On the flip side, emotional boundaries lead to emotional chastity. This means guarding your heart, being intentional with emotional intimacy, and avoiding giving someone the kind of emotional connection or dependence that doesn’t match the level of commitment in the relationship.
Physical boundaries
The goal of physical boundaries is to express love in ways that honour God and preserve purity before marriage.
Talk about boundaries early — not after temptation.
Before emotions and attraction run deep, have an honest, prayerful conversation about what physical affection means to each of you.
Decide together what you’ll avoid and agree on what honours God and protects both of you. We’ll explore the 3Ts (Touch, Time, and Talk) in setting boundaries.
Touch
Small gestures like holding hands or a brief side hug are okay if they don’t awaken sexual desire or compromise your peace. But if a form of touch stirs temptation or makes either of you uneasy, step back. Purity isn’t about legalism. It’s about love that protects.
You can always find ways to bond that don’t involve touch: praying together, serving in church, or doing something creative together. These deepen your connection while keeping purity intact.
Time
Late nights often lead to weakened self-control. Be intentional about when you meet or call each other. A simple rule like “no hangouts past 9 p.m.” can make a big difference. Why? Conversations tend to get more vulnerable and emotionally charged at night. Agree on a healthy cut-off time for calls or chats.
Talk
Keep your language affectionate yet grounded in reality. You’re still discerning, not yet bound in covenant.
Avoid flirtatious jokes, double meanings, or “testing the line” in playful talk. What starts as teasing can easily stir desire.
Conversations about what you would or wouldn’t do physically can plant curiosity and weaken your resolve. Avoid describing body parts, past experiences, or future intimacy, even in “innocent” tones. Keep sexual discussions for pre-marital counselling, not dating.
Avoid sending photos or voice notes that can be misinterpreted. Keep communication transparent. The perfect litmus test is always to ask yourself, if your mentor or close friend saw your messages, would they still reflect holiness?
Finally, if one of you says something that makes the other uncomfortable or stirs temptation, speak up immediately and gently.
Avoid private settings that invite temptation.
Even the most disciplined couple can fall when the environment is wrong.
Choose public or well-lit spaces for your dates, cafés, parks, or community events. If you visit each other’s homes, strive to be vertical with feet on the ground, rather than lying in bed or on the couch. Also, avoid late-night hangouts, and include family or friends when possible. Remember, boundaries are easier to maintain when the atmosphere is right.
HALT- Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired
These stresses will often lead you to react differently. So, when you’re angry, upset, lonely, or struggling, resist the urge to always turn to your partner for emotional or physical comfort. Vulnerability is good, but over-sharing every fear or temptation can build dependence. Bring those moments to God first, then a mentor, then your partner if necessary.
Dress modestly
Modesty doesn’t mean dressing drab. It’s about being intentional with how your clothing affects both your partner and yourself. Aim for clothing that reflects dignity and self-respect, especially when spending time together. Ask yourself: “Would my outfit help us focus on Christ or make it harder to?”
The ultimate boundary: Letting the Holy Spirit lead
Someone might read all these and think, “Are we supposed to be robots now?” Absolutely not. You’re a human being, created with emotions, desires, and the capacity to love deeply. And that’s precisely why you must tread carefully.
The goal of chastity isn’t to suppress your feelings but to order them toward love that honours God. The best way to date chastely isn’t by memorising a list of dos and don’ts. It’s by inviting the Holy Spirit into your relationship.
He’ll gently nudge your heart when you’re drifting off course and give you the grace to realign. Instead of trying to master every rule, let the Holy Spirit be your true north. When He leads, He’ll never allow you to defile His temple.
Finally, don’t be discouraged if you feel tempted. We all face temptations. What matters is how you respond. Flee, don’t flirt with it (1 Corinthians 6:18).
