Chastity calls us to love rightly. To see the other person not as someone to possess, but as a soul to honour and help lead to heaven. True love, as God designed it, is self-giving, pure, and holy.
Chaste dating means seeking God’s will at every step, setting healthy boundaries, and building a love rooted in truth. It’s not about perfection, but about direction, walking together toward holiness.
The following five principles offer a guide to help you date God’s way, allowing your relationship to glorify God and prepare your hearts for self-giving love in holy matrimony.
God at the center
A chaste relationship begins and thrives with God at its center. It’s two people, man and woman, striving to honour God. When God is the foundation, love is purified, strengthened, and directed toward heaven.
Before entering a relationship, seek His will through prayer, discernment, and wise counsel. Ask: Can this person help me grow closer to God? Can we help each other get to heaven? That’s the ultimate goal. Dating is not just emotional connection but eternal salvation. And so, the number one elimination test is whether they care about your soul. If they don’t, don’t waste your time.
True love seeks the other’s good. It has God as the number one love. If God is at the center, you’ll strive to guard your own heart and the other person’s so that the relationship doesn’t become an idol. It also eliminates falling into the trap of pleasing each other and inevitably falling into immorality, hoping to maintain the relationship. At the sign that someone wants to exalt themselves above God, you simply cut them off.
Purposeful dating
Chaste dating is intentional. Before you start, take time to pray for clarity, wisdom, and direction. Ask God to guide your steps and purify your motives. Why? Dating as a Christian is discernment toward marriage. The goal isn’t simply to “have someone,” but to honour God and seek His will together. Ask yourself: What’s my motive? Am I drawn to this person’s soul or just their appearance? Is my affection self-giving or self-seeking?
Be deliberate about expectations. Talk about your purpose, goals, and boundaries early on so you’re on the same page. This prevents confusion and helps the relationship move in truth.
With these in check, you give the relationship room to grow organically. Often time, people rush, thinking, “If I don’t go all in, I’ll lose them,” but that’s not faith. Faith trusts that what is meant for you will never pass you by.
Take your time to know each other genuinely through joys, challenges, and even disagreements. As you do so, guard your emotions and stay rooted in reality. Reflect regularly on where the relationship stands. Sometimes stepping back helps you see whether this person is truly God’s choice for you.
Strengthen your bond through shared prayer, whether together, over the phone, or in silence before the Blessed Sacrament. Attend Mass together, read Scripture, serve in ministry, and commit your time and future marriage to the Lord.
A God-centered relationship is a virtuous friendship. Like a close friendship with your girls or boys, you shouldn’t have to pretend. You should be free to be yourself, knowing that love is rooted in truth.
Emotional & physical boundaries
In a chaste courtship, boundaries are acts of love. They protect your heart and honour God. Maintaining emotional and physical boundaries is non-negotiable because purity is the soil where true love grows.
From the onset, set boundaries that honour God and each other by saving intimacy for marriage. Sex outside of marriage is a lie spoken with the body, i.e., sealing a promise never uttered with the lips. Sex seals the marriage vows and subsequence marital embrace is renewal of the wedding vows. Outside marriage, it brings confusion and pain.
Now, if you can’t talk about chastity or boundaries, you shouldn’t be in that relationship. Communication is vital, as you must discuss your limits openly and respect each other’s convictions. Remember, this person isn’t yours until they are truly yours — after the wedding vows. Guard your heart, body, and mind.
Accountability & community
Chaste dating doesn’t thrive in isolation. We all need accountability and godly counsel. Seek mentorship from couples, priests, or spiritual friends who can guide you with wisdom and truth. Invite your family and faith community into your journey. They offer valuable insight and help keep you grounded when emotions run high.
A key feature for a relationship that’s heading downhill is that it’s hidden. You don’t introduce them to your family, friends, mentor or your priest. If there’s nothing to hide, why are they unknown? Another thing, every time you’re dishonest with your accountability partner about what’s happening in your courtship journey, it’s time to step back. Chances are high, you’re loosing track of the goal of the relationship. A relationship that welcomes accountability is a relationship that stays humble and open to God’s correction.
Communication & discernment
Lastly, a chaste relationship is built on honest communication and ongoing discernment. The purpose of Christian dating isn’t just to enjoy companionship. It’s to discern whether this person is God’s will for your life. If they’re not, you hop out whole.
Christian courtship thrives on honesty. When both of you communicate openly, pray together, and listen to the Holy Spirit’s promptings, love grows maturely.
So, take time to build a genuine friendship rooted in love, not lust. Learn each other’s values, habits, weaknesses, and dreams. Be transparent about your faith journey and aspirations.
In the end, chaste dating isn’t about perfection. It’s about pursuing holiness together. It’s saying, “I love you enough to honour your soul.” When God is the center, purpose defines your path, purity guards your hearts, community strengthens your resolve, and discernment guides your steps, leading you both toward heaven, hand in hand.
